Exclusive Judy, Plus Sex Symbols Galore, A Screwy Poof Party And A Screaming Halloween Secret Song!

Judy, Judy, Judy! Did you know? As a child, she claimed to learn better in school when she wasn't wearing her left shoe, and so habitually took it off in class. For some reason this makes me happy.

Bad Girls Galore, Judy Does London, Jazz Goes Outersonic, Plus An Ultimate Sharon Secret Song!

What makes a Bad Girl? Red lipstick? Skimpy lingerie? A loaded gun?

April Strikes A Match, Joyce Jams Out, Plus Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads And A Secret Star Secret Song!

Remember when smoking was crazy-sexy-cool? Forever, it seems, if you were a "bad girl" or a "tough guy," you had to light up. But that's all over now (though, yes, there's still a few dumb tricks who think it's a hot look) (I'm one to talk, I used to smoke for years) (and I started so young).

It's Party Time With Jayne Holding It Up, Dianne's Lovers, Electrifying Swing, Plus A Broadway Baby Secret Song!

It's party time! I don't know how long Miss Jayne's been holding up that curtain rod, but she lifts it skyward whenever company comes over for cocktails and Frito Pie. Is there anything worse than your curtains falling? 'Cause everyone knows, once they do, the gig is up. All the neighbors can gawk at the soiree you didn't invite them to. So keep holdin' up that rod, Jayne! And, hey, save some Watergate Salad for me!

Just imagine. It's 1967. You're having a party. Need festive tunes? There's no better music to play for your posse than this Joyful Jayne Cheerful Exclusive! She coos, she squeaks, she giggles (she sings a little, too). Really, you can't go wrong. Just remember, even though you'll have your curtains drawn, I have excellent hearing, so you'd better invite me.

The party's getting low down and sultry. The lights are dimming. Keys are tossed in a bowl. Couples are intermingling. It's that time, if you know what I mean. Time to take Jayne off the record player and put on some Dianne. 

"Music For Lovers" really is "da bomb" as the kids used to say - her voice has never sounded so smooooooth, baby, smooooooth - but then I have a soft spot for any singer who can really scat. And while I've enjoyed her forays into folk and world music in the past, I'm glad she keeps coming back to jazz. It's where she belongs. In fact, she's the only modern jazz vocalist I can think of who approaches greatness. Aw, hell, we're having a party, let's just call her great and pour another drink.

Oh, no! Some smart-ass brought cocaine. Limbs are shaking. Eyes are twitching. People want to dance-dance-dance! Quick, clear away the coffee table, push back the couch, roll up the carpet, and switch out Dianne for some swingin' electro tunes. I know, I know, I've included a lot of electro lately, but for reals, this is an awesome mix, and it's guaranteed to get everyone off their feet (whether they're mainlining or not).

You know it's time for a party to end when the sun is rising, you're out of hootch, and some girl - you know, that girl - is going bonkers in the bathroom:

That means taking her car keys, calling her a cab and gently leading her out the door (or pushing her, if it's called for). Then it's time to clean. Yes, I know what you're thinking, you're dog tired, but if you get the big stuff done now, you'll feel a whole lot better when you wake up around 4pm (then you'll just have to vacuum up the Fritos). So turn off the electro and put on "The Thomas Crown Affair," circa 1968, to get you through it all. This is Michel Legrand at his most scrumptious; jazzy, trippy and just a mite silly.

You want to party? Come on over to the Secret Song File's place sometime (but call first) (texts don't count). Or accompany her one night to a jazz club or salon. She loves a good jazz singer, or a Broadway baby just lettin' it rip with a piano.

Did you know? A certain Broadway baby with a spanking new CD first gained fame (and a big fat pension) for her roles on TV's "Cheers" and "Frasier," then knocked 'em dead - hotcha! - in the revival of "Chicago." Sadly, she wasn't in the movie version, but so what? She's still got it, and in her new CD, she sings, she tells stories...she...oh, c'mon, you so-o-o know who it is. And, really, what's a Broadway soiree without her?

Don't be tardy to the party, m'k?

Leave a party favor (or two) in the comments, if you like!

Dames, Dames, Dames, Plus Keely & Jimmy Hit The Clubs, Hitchcock Dances (No, Really), And A JFK Secret Song!

"Va-Va-Voom!," a terrific 1985 2-LP compilation, spotlights classic Hollywood "dames" singing for their supper, like Sophia Loren above. For those too young to know, those were the days when gals wore lovely garter stockings and white gloves to the corner newsstand or the butcher's and such (it was really like that) (you can't tell me it wasn't). And can we talk about that hat? And the nice-girl pearls. Flaw. Less.

How did I come upon such a treasure? It started innocently enough. Me and my Cuban Luvuh were LP shopping a few weeks ago, sorting through what seemed like a giant heap of garbage - yuck, all those Paul Anka and Johnny Mathis LPs - when I happened upon "Va-Va-Voom!" and looked curiously at the list of performers. There's Marilyn Monroe, of course, Sophia, Jane Russell and Jayne Mansfield, but also less predictable entries from Rhonda Fleming, Diana Dors, Mamie Van Doren and more.

So far, so good. Then Señor Cuban examined the records to see what condition they were in - and get this, both LPs were bright pink. Literally. Sold. For a dollar and change. So enjoy, dear reader; it's a Cheerful Exclusive! just for you. And, please, if I could dye the ALAC tracks pink, you know I would.

From the Va-Va-Voom Dames to everyone's favorite Vegas Razzmatazz Gal, Miss Keely Smith. "C'mon down and sing pretty for the people!" cries her husband/announcer in this 2005 live recording "Keely Smith '58 - Today," and she doesn't disappoint.

Keely was seventy-three-years-old when she recorded this CD - a joyful Cheerful Exclusive! - but you wouldn't know it from her voice (and I'm not just being nice).

Keep in mind, this is the same Keely Smith who performed "That Old Black Magic" with Kid Rock at the Grammys in 2008, so you know she isn't fooling around. I especially like the medley "Just A Gigolo/Ain't Got Nobody," which is purest old school Vegas. And, yes, she's been wearing the same damn blunt-cut wig for the last forty years (at least) (it may even be the same one) (bless her heart). But, hey, when you've got a "look," you stick with it.

Let's travel back in time. To the 1960's, to be exact. Meet the funkiest comic tramp known to man; the one, the only, Jimmy Lynch. You haven't heard of him? I hadn't either until I happened upon "That Funky Tramp In A Nightclub," and I'm very glad I did. But be warned, before you listen, hide the children, cover the cat's ears! Things are about to get a little bit obscene.

Actually, not that obscene by today's standards (though it's reputed to be the first LP with an F-Bomb). It was recorded at various comedy clubs throughout the midwest in the mid-1960's when Jimmy was on the road, and the crowd, with their shocked gasps and screaming laughter, were as much a part of the show as he was.

Jimmy was also a singer, and he punctuates his more salacious gags with sudden James Brown riffs or howling, infectious cries. But what's really amazing about this LP is the lack of traditional "jokes" or "routines." Jimmy's fully-formed persona is the real gag here, along with all the stories he tells, which pile up on each other, seemingly at random, and keep getting more and more outrageous. I won't even tell you what happens to that female circus guerrilla, but it's genuinely shocking and very funny.

Have you ever seen Hitchcock dance?

What is he doing, exactly? The Rhumba? The Cha-Cha? Perhaps it's Contemporary. Or Hip-Hop. Actually, he's probably shaking his bon-bon to this second volume (3 whole CDs!) of "The Alfred Hitchcock Hour" (the first is here), which once more has Bernard Herrmann pulling out all the stops.

You know the drill; moody strings, sudden jolts of brass and lulling melodies that soften you for the kill. Speaking of the later, the set of suites entitled "Death Scene" include some of the most beautiful music I've ever heard from this composer. Of course, it can turn on a dime - so don't let your guard down. Mwah-ha-ha!

Remember when America wasn't all sneaky and spy-like and doing skeevy backdoor deals? The Secret Song File does. It was called Camelot, and it's long dead by now, though hopefully not burning in Hell like Carrie White (but let's be honest, things were totally skeevy back then, too) (we know better now) (don't we?). Anyhoo, back to Camelot. It's 1962. Two jazz greats - one a composer and performer, the other a vocalist - are gathered to entertain D.C.'s elite. Are you excited yet? You should be.

This fantastic live recording was released in a truncated form originally, but now here it is in all its uncut glory. Two jazz phenoms - one who left his heart in San Francisco; the other, recently deceased, whose most popular song may remind you of a certain candy bar - together at last. Just remember, Camelot is long gone. And it ain't poppin' back to life like Carrie any time soon.

Okay, so maybe Carrie is, but we'll ignore that. 

Make everyone giggle in the comments, wont'cha? We all deserve a giggle.

Ladies We Love! Blondes, Brunettes, Plus Gisele, Betty And A Terrifying Secret Song!

Certain kind gals do certain kinds of things. No, not things like that (get your mind out of the gutter). It's obvious from the picture above, for example, that Diana Dors is displaying her scintillating gams talent for singing. That's all. Nothing else!

A few years back, DDC Classic released a compilation CD set with "Sex Kitten" songs from the likes of Diana, Peggy Lee, June Hutton, Eartha Kitt, and many more, divided equally between Blondes and Brunettes. Even if you have some of these tracks, you probably don't have them all, and this compilation is unusually well curated. And really, I don't care how many times I hear Jayne Mansfield sing "That Makes It" - which starts with the breathiest porny-phone intro ever - it always seems like the very first time.

Whom do I blame for the decade-long trend of screaming, screeching Broadway vocalists? Maybe her:

Or maybe "American Idol." Or maybe the techies who split your eardrums open by making the screeching even louder (whoever's responsible, please knock it off). I bring this up because in this current environment, there's no way a vocalist like Gisele MacKenzie would be welcome. Anywhere.

A popular light singer in her time, Gisele could certainly deliver a showstopper with the best of them, but she wasn't out to mow you down. She was "light" and "pleasant," and if we've lost the ability to appreciate these small charms, then we're in a world with no variety or varying color. In Gisele's era, there was room for both ends of the spectrum (and everything in-between), from Ethel Merman (who didn't need mics to be heard in the back balcony, thankyouverymuch), to Gisele herself.

In 1959's "Gisele MacKenzie In Person At The Empire Room" - a Cheerful Exclusive! just for you - Gisele displays her sharp, gimcrack personality and sings a wide variety of songs, including a few Merman standards, and brings her own charming elegance to each of them. "This old piano bench is full of happy memories," she says. She has plenty to share. Broadway and standards, of course, but also French standards and an Irish tune,  "The Piper O'Dundee," in which she adopts a delightful hammy brogue.

Lucky for Gisele, she was able to cut several LPs. That wasn't the case for WWII's favorite pinup (note how she displays her singing talent similarly to Diana Dors above) (good singing involves lots of lounging on plush surfaces):

While under studio contract, or during her most active years, Betty Grable was forbidden from cutting an LP (Judy Garland was, too, and many more). That's a shame, because "Sweetheart Of The Silver Screen" - yet another Cheerful Exclusive! - which brings together songs culled from her movies and several radio shows - shows that she was more than able to capture an audience with only her voice. I love her festive, jazzy version of "It's Only A Paper Moon," and in "Embraceable You," she strikes just the right balance between sexy and vulnerable. 

"Dude, what-choo lookin' at?" That's what the Secret Song File is thinking. And yet, guys always stare, their eyes bugging out, their lips hanging down - even the flaming ones. It's enough to give any gal the terrors! Sheesh, that's a whole bucket-load full of hints. You may have caught on by now - unless, of course, you're embryonic.

I've always liked this psychedelic band (even though they want to collaborate with THIS train wreck) (why, why, why?), and their latest trippy CD does not disappoint. Will it win you" fwends?" I suspect it will, though you may need a bit of telepathic surgery afterwards. Goodness, that's too many hints. It's not even sporting. But then the Secret Song File is feeling generous today. Stare all you like.

Just don't expect her to stare back. 

Have something to say? Let 'er rip in the comments!