Cuchi-Cuchi With Charo, Gettin' Down With Ted And The Royce Sisters, Plus Sylvia Syms Times Two, Maurice and Haley Go Tennybop And An Original Delta Dawn Secret Song!

There is only one Charo. Singer, actress, guitar-playing phenom. And a delightful Instagram presence, too. Because if you're going to shake what you've got, you must do it Charo's way.

Mistinguett In Paris, Newman In Lotus-Land, Plus A Flapper's Paradise And A Colorful October Secret Song!

Ahh, Mistinguett. In the late-1800's, she was just a tiny French lass named Jeanne Bourgeois (I'm not kidding, that was really her last name). As legend has it, she helped out her family by selling blossoms at cafes - and realized she could sell a whole lot more by singing. Not too long after, she made her first appearance at Casino de Paris, and the rest, as they say (no, they don't), is la history! She became Mistinguett. Just Mistinguett. Like Cher!

Mistinguett's is only one of many singers who appear on "Les Grandes Chansons Francaise" - a Tres-Tres Cheeful Exclusive! There's Piaf (of course), Maurice Chevalier, Tino Rossi, Jean Sablon, and oodles and oodles more. Perfect for listening to while you butter your croissant on a Sunday morning - but please, God, in Heaven, not with one of those damn cronuts. Like I'm going to wait in line for a pretentious donut? The French are laughing at us (the French are always laughing at us) (but then the word "killjoy" is of French origin, so don't feel bad).

Did you ever see "Less Than Zero," the 1987 movie with Robert Downey, Jr. and James Spader? Yeah, I did, too.  Did you read the book by Brett Easton Ellis? Uh-huh. Did you like the movie better? Yeah, I did, too. Just looking at the movie - it's a visual feast. All ambers and golds, with cool blues and glistening surfaces and disorienting, skewed angles that say everything about L.A.'s amoral beauty in just half-a-glance.

The score by Thomas Newman (it's still his best) helped, too. It's so cushiony, so luxe, so depraved, just like the characters inhabiting its moneyed cocaine corridors. The score was never released commercially (that I know of) (Fox released one of those pop song albums instead), but why should you be deprived of this gorgeous, sometimes unnerving, music? Will it sound best if you're coming out of some blissful drug haze? Maybe, but I bet it'll make you feel like that anyway.

I'm fascinated by flappers. Look at the girl below, ready for a night out on the town. Speakeasies! Illegal hootch! Corrupting jazz! You just know she won't make it home till noon the next day. And don't even think about asking her what she had to do to get those pearls.

I like listening to the real thing when it comes to jazz from the 1920's, but sometimes it's a kick to hear it all spit-shined and modernized - if it's done well. Have no fear, dear readers, the 2-CD album below is one of the best you'll find in electro speakeasy jazz (how's that for a specialized genre?). As for the girl on the cover, I'm sure she'll be all too happy to tell you what she had to do to get her pearls. And with who. But, you know, different times. Barely.

The Secret Song File was a naughty girl in her teens - pretty, but naughty - then went through a housewifey phase. And now? She won't tell. And, yes, she still likes rock, even though most commercial rock leaves her cold. But not this Texas-based rock band, which has been flying under the radar for over a decade. That'll probably change with their spanking new CD which. Is. Awe. Sum.

But back to the Secret Song File. Does she have all the answers? Should she consent to treatment? It's not like her history is for sale or something. And yet it's so easy to be foiled. Someday she'll sway - this way and that - and maybe approach normal. Oh my God, too many hints. Is it October, yet? Are you feeling blue?

Speaking of pearls, Fellini once said, "The pearl is the oyster's autobiography." 

Leave you own li'l pearl in the comments, if you like. 

Exclusive Nancy And Maurice, Plus Herrmann's Tender Finale And A Me-So-Bull Secret Song!

Sing it, Sweet Nancy! With seventy LPs and three Grammy Awards, Nancy Wilson is still way under-appreciated (or at least it seems that way to me). At the wee age of four, she already knew she wanted to be a singer, and by fifteen, she was singing in clubs and on TV. Sometimes it really does happen that fast - and for good reason. She was also the most beautiful jazz singer on the scene (and still is), which earned her many appreciative nicknames, like "Sweet Nancy" and "Fancy Miss Nancy," and in reference to her voice, "The Girl With The Honey-Coated Voice." She even had her own Emmy Award-winning TV show.

In 1960's "Something Wonderful," a Fancy Nancy Cheerful Exclusive!, Nancy is at the peak of her powers, bringing her deceptively easy going, crystal clear voice to a solid collection of tunes like "I'm Gonna Laugh You Out Of My Life," and the album's terrific opener "Teach Me Tonight." The technical range of her voice is astonishing, especially when you consider she can't read music - she learns all her songs by listening to the melody. She was voted one of jazz music's Grand Diva's by Essence Magazine in 1992. And, yes, she's still going strong.

A (very) long time ago, American women positively swooned over Gallic crooners - none more so than Maurice Chevalier. Ooh la la! Tres tres beau! But first, he hit London in 1917, and British women nearly toppled over themselves during his ragtime and jazz performances. Once in the U.S., he hit Broadway and Hollywood. At last, America's first French Himbo had arrived. 

A skilled singer and light comedian, Chevalier won an Oscar for Best Actor in 1929's "The Love Parade," (young Cary Grant had been rejected for the role because his neck was "too thick"). A Pre-Code early-talkie musical, the movie was a huge nationwide hit, and not just because of the music and performances...

...but the story, too, which managed to not-so-subtly suggest that couples, upon first meeting, should have sex right away (especially if one of them happens to include Chevalier). The 1960 LP "Tojours Maurice" - a Tres Tres Joyeux Exclusif! - gives you a broad overview of Chevalier's heyday, with tunes from 1929 to 1947; half of them in French, the other half in English, and all sung in so-called urbane and comique styles. My favorites include the bawdy "Oh! That Mitzi!" and a spirited French version of "You Brought A New Kind Of Love To Me."

As a slight warning, Track 7 on this LP is a bit scritchy-scratchy-skippy, but don't be sad, the rest of the tracks are tip-top, and overall, this is a fascinating listen. Chevalier was briefly re-introduced to a new generation in 1958's "Gigi," but make no mistake, his particular type of music - and especially, his ooh la la Boulevard performance style - will never be duplicated.

Can you believe we've made it all the way through Herrmann at 20th Century Fox? It's true, we have, and what better way to herald the final two discs than with Jennifer Jones:

The highlight this time is Herrmann's score for "Tender Is The Night," a real clunker of a movie that tries (and fails) to bring Fitzgerald's novel to life (though it's nice to see the Riviera at its chic, early-60's best) (but otherwise, don't bother) (and I mean that).

Still, the score has Herrmann pulling out all the stops, and if you can get past the somewhat dopey-sounding opening choral number, a lovely, even suspenseful, score awaits you, one that recalls "The Ghost And Mrs. Muir" and anticipates both "Marnie" and "Endless Night." In other words, it's a major overlooked score.

"Overlooked" is something that will ne-vah happen to The Secret Song File. Just look at the gal below; she simply can't rip her eyes away from The Secret Song File's egg-squisite loveliness. Will she, um, get anything in return? If not from yours truly, then from a certain Spanish Bull? The Magic 8-ball says "yes."

The Spanish Bull will also bring forth music - from himself, or moi, as he says specifically. Okay, enough with the hints. Let's put it another way. This Filipino/African-American artist has bluntly stated that he's moved "beyond chillwave," and his spanking-new CD proves him right, since it's a whole lot more fun and musically adventurous than any chillwave I've ever heard, plus the vocals are terrif. So g'on, try it. Have I ever steered you wrong?

Just shake your head and say 'no.'

Feel free to spout, declaim and pontificate in the comments, if you like!