Happy Holidays With Steve & Eydie And Many More!

Oh, happy day - or days, plural, I should say, because this is the time of year when most of us get time off from work. Who knows what trouble you'll get into? So go on now, put on your dancin' shoes, knock back some eggnog and dance, fool, dance:

Or chill with some festive holiday music. There's so much to choose from, but let's start with a classic. You can't go wrong with Steve & Eydie (especially if your parents are visiting), and given the recent passing of Eydie this year, this LP is especially poignant.

Next, an indispensable collection of Yuletide cheer with sultry soul. This is truly one of the best holiday CDs ev-ah! And, okay, I may be a teensy bit obsessed with it, but that's because it's so shocking to find a new-ish holiday CD that'll stand the test of time. I know, right? I'm still shocked.

I don't remember my family ever playing "A Merry Mancini Christmas" over the holidays - did yours? - but I wish they had. Actually, when you listen to it, you'll almost feel as if it was played when you were a child. There's something so homespun about it - with just a light kicker of jazz. And, yes, I'll confess, it actually does warm my heart (whenever I dig it up from the backyard).

Everything's Archie! If you can't get enough of The Archies, guess what? They put out a Christmas LP. Is it as good as you want it to be? Not exactly, but it's still fun (and kids, if you know or have any, will love it). Plus, there's one track, "Archie's Christmas Party" that sounds like Bananarama on speed with sleigh bells. Which is either fabulous or horrific, depending on your point of view.

And now for some mmmmm-buttah! Actually, just so you know, this isn't a new CD, but a new compilation, and it's a pretty darn good, bringing together the best of her 1967 and 2001 Christmas LPs. I love her version of "I'll Be Home For Christmas." It's sublime, like the best French manicure. 

I adore Kelly Clarkson, too. Her music? I kinda go back and forth - some of it I enjoy, some if it's like white noise. But rejoice, Clarkson fans, because her holiday CD is Clarkson at her best. Plus she does a smashing Big Band version of "My Favorite Things," which I would like to think is a big f-u to this Swiss Miss mess, but that's me (and, really, it could be true) (please let it be true).

Meanwhile, I don't want to neglect other faiths. Unfortunately, for my Kwanzaa friends out there, all I have is the single "Happy Kwanzaa" by Teddy Pendergrass (but who doesn't like Pendergrass?).

As for my friends out there celebrating Hanukkah, I just can't with this, but I wholeheartedly endorse Kenny Ellis' now classic 2005 "Hanukkah Swings!", and believe me, it earns that exclamation point. Who knew the "Dreidel Song" would swing so well? (not me) (although on second thought, it kind of makes sense). And can you really go wrong with a CD that includes "Hanu-Calypso?" I think not.

As a kid, I never got into "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" because it felt like it was trying to be "good for me" or teach me "life lessons" and I was way too hardcore for that. Yet I enjoyed the music, and this soundtrack includes not only the songs, but plenty of incidental music, the original network intro and a few promotional adverts, too. In other words, it's a Rudolph orgy!

Stand back! Grandmas everywhere are clamoring for La Boyle's latest seasonal offering. Say what you will about her (she's ugly as butt) (she's a crazy cat lady) (she's mentally unsound), but she does have a terrific voice. Yet too often in this CD, it's buried under overbearing production. Still, a few tracks, like "The Christmas Waltz" and "In The Bleak Midwinter," are lovely; they put her little-girl-lost voice right out front where it belongs. Suddenly, she seems pretty, and maybe, just maybe, not so batshit crazy after all.

Where almost done, but we gotta keep the holiday vibe going strong, don't you think? So who, I ask, can really kick-start the room? Wait, I know! This guy:

Hell, yeah, it's Ray Charles! Timeless singer, timeless songs. No brainer. And if you've seen "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation," then you're already familiar with the title song. There's even a duet with Betty Carter. Believe me, this will fire up any holiday gathering. 

Are there Beatles fans out there? Count me as one of them, of course (from "Revolver" onward, at least) (and, yes, I know I'm going to get flack for that) (bring it on, yo!). This compilation of their seasonal greetings - on the BBC and elsewhere - doesn't exactly include complete songs, but instead features the lads chatting, joking and generally being "cheeky," as they say in the UK.

If some of you are making holiday mixes (you know who you are), drop-kick a few of these tracks in-between songs to shake things up a bit. Even non-Beatles fans will be charmed.

Have you O.D.'d on the holidays already? It's no surprise. My local CVS had Christmas decorations up the day before Halloween. Before. Everywhere you go, Mariah's screaming "Jingle Bells" or Michael Buble's warbling "Santa Baby," or God forbid, this train-wreck singing "A Very Ke$ha Christmas." There's no escape. The cure to what ails you? One word: Bongos (Tino Contreras' version of "Brazil" will make you levitate with happiness). Trust me on this one.

Maybe you don't want feel all "happy-happy" during the holidays. Maybe you want to feel all down 'n' dirty. I get it. We all get it (we don't want to see it, but we get it). And, no, I'm not talking just naughty, I'm talking filth. Pure mud. Interested? Then try Avenue D, the sexually explicit electroclash duo from Miami whose underground hit, "Do I Look Like A Slut?" is obscene, hilarious, and an anthem, of sorts, for proud hos everywhere. Include it in a mix of otherwise innocuous holiday songs and you'll really get the family's attention.

Have fun at all your holiday get-togethers, but remember, don't drink and drive, carry rubbers, clean that gunk out from beneath your fingernails (people notice!), and for every gift you receive, slap a Post-It note on it with the name of the person who gave it to you.

Why? Because, silly, there's nothing more embarrassing then re-gifting a junky ashtray or a Spirit Sister silver necklace or an All-In-One soup and salad bowl or a Map Of The World rayon pillow to the person who gave it to you. It can happen!

Happy Ho-Ho, everyone!

Leave a lump of coal or a pretty-pretty thought in the comments, if you like.

It's Party Time With Jayne Holding It Up, Dianne's Lovers, Electrifying Swing, Plus A Broadway Baby Secret Song!

It's party time! I don't know how long Miss Jayne's been holding up that curtain rod, but she lifts it skyward whenever company comes over for cocktails and Frito Pie. Is there anything worse than your curtains falling? 'Cause everyone knows, once they do, the gig is up. All the neighbors can gawk at the soiree you didn't invite them to. So keep holdin' up that rod, Jayne! And, hey, save some Watergate Salad for me!

Just imagine. It's 1967. You're having a party. Need festive tunes? There's no better music to play for your posse than this Joyful Jayne Cheerful Exclusive! She coos, she squeaks, she giggles (she sings a little, too). Really, you can't go wrong. Just remember, even though you'll have your curtains drawn, I have excellent hearing, so you'd better invite me.

The party's getting low down and sultry. The lights are dimming. Keys are tossed in a bowl. Couples are intermingling. It's that time, if you know what I mean. Time to take Jayne off the record player and put on some Dianne. 

"Music For Lovers" really is "da bomb" as the kids used to say - her voice has never sounded so smooooooth, baby, smooooooth - but then I have a soft spot for any singer who can really scat. And while I've enjoyed her forays into folk and world music in the past, I'm glad she keeps coming back to jazz. It's where she belongs. In fact, she's the only modern jazz vocalist I can think of who approaches greatness. Aw, hell, we're having a party, let's just call her great and pour another drink.

Oh, no! Some smart-ass brought cocaine. Limbs are shaking. Eyes are twitching. People want to dance-dance-dance! Quick, clear away the coffee table, push back the couch, roll up the carpet, and switch out Dianne for some swingin' electro tunes. I know, I know, I've included a lot of electro lately, but for reals, this is an awesome mix, and it's guaranteed to get everyone off their feet (whether they're mainlining or not).

You know it's time for a party to end when the sun is rising, you're out of hootch, and some girl - you know, that girl - is going bonkers in the bathroom:

That means taking her car keys, calling her a cab and gently leading her out the door (or pushing her, if it's called for). Then it's time to clean. Yes, I know what you're thinking, you're dog tired, but if you get the big stuff done now, you'll feel a whole lot better when you wake up around 4pm (then you'll just have to vacuum up the Fritos). So turn off the electro and put on "The Thomas Crown Affair," circa 1968, to get you through it all. This is Michel Legrand at his most scrumptious; jazzy, trippy and just a mite silly.

You want to party? Come on over to the Secret Song File's place sometime (but call first) (texts don't count). Or accompany her one night to a jazz club or salon. She loves a good jazz singer, or a Broadway baby just lettin' it rip with a piano.

Did you know? A certain Broadway baby with a spanking new CD first gained fame (and a big fat pension) for her roles on TV's "Cheers" and "Frasier," then knocked 'em dead - hotcha! - in the revival of "Chicago." Sadly, she wasn't in the movie version, but so what? She's still got it, and in her new CD, she sings, she tells stories...she...oh, c'mon, you so-o-o know who it is. And, really, what's a Broadway soiree without her?

Don't be tardy to the party, m'k?

Leave a party favor (or two) in the comments, if you like!