Delicious Halloween Treats (No Rocks, I Swear!), Plus An Anniversary Secret Song!

Happy Halloween everyone! 'Tis the season for ghouls, witches, Republican House members (who so got gotten) and other horrors. Do you have a pumpkin yet? We don't. Did you buy some candy in case a few trick-or-treaters stop by? We haven't. I'd love to say there's still plenty of time, but stores already have Christmas displays set up, so, um, really, we all better hurry.

Remember Elvira? She's still kickin', you know. And vegetarian, I hear. Or some such. Any-hoo (or any-boo!), if you're just itchin' to get into the Halloween spirit, and I know you are, then you'll need some Elvira, especially this giggly 1983 LP, which brings together a host of witchy tunes, and Miss Elvira herself, who cackles through a few song intros. What's not to like?

Did you know? It's easy to scare children - and it's fun! And Halloween gives you a perfect excuse to do so, so don't miss out. Apropos to that, have you been to Disneyland or Disney World? Then of course you've gone through the Haunted House, where your reflection in a mirror comes back at you as a skeleton. 

To be honest, I never thought the Haunted House was all that scary as a young tot. The Haunted House soundtrack LP? That's a whole other matter. Even now (I swear), it's a little unnerving - so imagine what it will sound like to all those impressionable kids pounding on your door for candy. Remember, the younger they are, the easier they scare, so if they're under six, blast it. 

Speaking of Halloween, Scooby Doo mysteries were a staple of my Saturday morning cartoon watching. I was never frightened by them - not that they were intended to be scary - but then I was too busy flying on a screaming sugar high from Frosted-Cocoa-Sugar-Burp, or whatever I was scarfing down. Yes, I was mainlining as a child. Weren't we all?

Relive the sugar high with "Scooby Doo's Snack Tracks," which includes not just the theme song and music from the cartoon, but cuts from guest stars Davy Jones (!) and Jerry Reed (?).

Not everything should be scary on Halloween. How about a little sweet, too? Yes, it's the original soundtrack LP for Disney's 1961 film "The Parent Trap." And, no, I'm not talking about that awful remake starring Lindsay Lohan (which shall now forever be known as "The Parent Trap With Scabies!"), but the real deal with Hayley Mills. Wasn't she lovely?

Halloween is on a Thursday this year, which means many adult trick-or-treaters (ahem) will be taking Friday off to recover. Not to fret. A few aspirin, lots of water and some gentle Haley will chase that hangover away. Plus there's Tommy Sands and Annette Funnyjello Funicello, too!

Speaking of sugar rushes (we just were, weren't we?) (or am I speeding too fast?), here's more Hanna-Barbera. And by more, I don't mean just a li'l more, I mean a fantastic, Halloween-sized box set of theme songs, music and assorted noises and sound effects from just about any Hanna-Barbera cartoon you can imagine.

Currently, I have the "Top Cat" theme song as my ringtone, but who knows, I may change it to "Magilla Gorilla," or "The Jetsons," or maybe "Flintstones Jazz." Or maybe something called "Pixie And Dixie." It's crazy how much stuff is here. Be careful, though. Don't listen to this all the way through. Small doses, small does, or you really will get a rush, and it might not be reversible.

Yes, this is how the Secret Song File answers the door when she greets trick-or-treaters. Why change? And why not give kids what they really want. You know, good ganja (if they're of age), good vino, artisanal crackers, a wedge of Oussau-Araty and the finest sun-dried tomatos (it's time to upgrade stoner food). And just so they'll know what cool R&B used to sound like, the 20th anniversary collection of a late 80's/early 90's girl group.

Don't pretend you don't know who they are. They made waterfalls (*cough*), warned you about scrubs 'n' such, and most of all, wanted everyone to be friends. Oh, and yeah, one more thing. One of the girls burned her boyfriend's house down - but c'mon, we've all been there (she's an angel in the sky now, so all is forgiven).

Happy Halloween, ya'll!

Say what you like in the comments, but no rocks!

Crawford Sings, Bailey's Showstoppers, Plus A Master Of Disguise, Annette's Best, Derek's Flamingo Jazz And A Bug Bite Secret Song!

Yes, that's her. No, it's not a drag queen, though late-era Joan, with her overly severe make-up and hard-jaw facial expressions, inspired many. She didn't start out that way. "You're a writer, aren't you?" the newly arrived Joan asked screenwriter Frederica Maas, eyeing her up and down at MGM in the early 1920's. "And you dress like a lady. I need that. I want to be dressed right. Smart. I figured you could help."

After taking her on a whirlwind shopping trip, Frederica notes in her autobiography that Joan now "had class - even if it only showed in her wardrobe. She had two obsessions: her goals of stardom and of becoming a good actress. At considerable cost, she achieved both, (but) in the end, she died a lonely victim of too many sleeping potions and too much alcohol." Poor Joan, there's always bad news. But at least she left us her movies - and hot-cha photos like this:

She also left us her songs. "What?" you're asking. Yes, Joan Crawford sang in quite a few of her movies. And in this Movie Stah Cheerful Exclusive! you'll hear them all, from the early 1920s to the 50's. How well does she sing? Not bad, actually. She sang like she acted, as if she were still doing silent movies; deliberately, cleanly, with maximum emotion or none at all. No in-between for our Joan. None. But then with Joan, there never was.

Let's hop forward a few decades or so to "Dickie," as she was sometimes called by her friends and close associates.

1970's "Applause" - yet another Cheerful Exclusive! - features Pearl Bailey in terrific form, and backed by a big brassy band. The opening title number is enough to awaken even the sleepiest little bee in the room. But there's also ballads and blues, like my favorite number, "When The World Was Young," which she performs in an aching, though more hopeful, manner than most. And the finale, "Tower Of Strength," tells you all you need to know about this indomitable singer.

I'm not that fond of impersonators, and I generally forget about them unless someone brings them up. But there's one who stands head and shoulders above them all. I'm not even sure you'd call him an impersonator, much less a drag queen. An illusionist, maybe?

It was my Cuban Luvuh who stumbled upon this 1973 "Live In Concert, Jim Bailey At Carnegie Hall" LP - a Camouflaged Cheerful Exclusive! - and it's like nothing you've ever heard. Bailey, as you may know, was an illusionist (I decided to go with that term) (for now), in the late 60's and into the 80's, specializing in female divas who sang. It helped that he was trained in opera - he's a fine singer on his own - but surely some other kind of magic was at work.

On the first of this 2 LP set, he performs a Barbra Streisand concert, as Barbra (of course), and, yes, it's wonderful, but it's the second LP, in which he performs Judy Garland in concert, which truly stands out, especially when he sings "The Man That Got Away," which goes way beyond mere impersonation. He's Garland, alright, as if he's crawled beneath her skin, but he's also having a conversation with you - about what it means to love this singular performer and what she means to him. The last portion of the LP set features Bailey-as-Bailey singing in his own voice, and besides his opening number, which is maybe a bit too Vegas razz-ma-tazz, it's quite a performance. All of it is!

Since spring is still springing, it's time for a dollop of jazz, don't you think? Derek Smith certainly does.

I love this 1955 mini 4-track LP, which includes Derek Smith, a noted British jazz pianist, performing with his trio - Allan Ganley on drums, Freddie Logan on bass and Harry Klein on baritone. There's nothing show-stopping here, just delightful light jazz, including a charming version of Gershwin's "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off." It practically fizzy-pops out of the speakers.

Fizzy-pop of a different kind came, conquered, then left us this week. Yes, I'm referring to Annette Funny-jello Funicello, the ultimate teen girl.

This giggly-fun 2-CD "box set" has all the best of Annette, including the beach party tunes, the movie and novelty songs - like "The Rock-A-Cha," which is a blast - even a Beatles cover (no, really) (and it's good). Plus the session musicians are outstanding. Could she really sing? Absolutely. But it's her infectious, one-of-a-kind Annette-ness that really makes you smile.

What are you going to do when you're forced to sit next to - and even hold hands with - a guy you're so not into? The Secret Song File is struggling with just such a situation below. The guy really bugs her, if you know what I mean; he's like a mosquito or something (and yes, that was a huge hint). It's almost sacrilege!

Maybe it'll be better when she gets home. She can play the very latest CD from this premiere American alterna band and scream - with her mouth in a perfect "O," just like the lead singer. Or maybe she can just scream "Yeah!" three times in a row (making the last one plural). Oy. If you don't know who the band is by now, then it really is sacrilege!

But then one person's sacrilege is another's one's holiday, right?

Have a go at it in the comments!

Mouse Ears Bowed In Sorrow.

Ask the birds and ask the bees

And ask the stars above

Who’s their favorite sweet brunette;

You know, each one confesses:

Annette! Annette! Annette!