Ring In The New Year With Three Exclusives from Anita, Della & Rose, Plus A Wild Party With Keely & Louis, And A Name-Calling Secret Song!

Is it New Year's Day already? Not yet, but when it is, you'll no doubt be asking yourself a series of crucial questions, like, "Where the hell are my pants?!" and "Why are my undies caught in the ceiling fan?!" and "Wait, whose place is this?!" Trust me, we've all been there (haven't we?) (just nod, "yes").

There's Only One Della!

"Whatever it is you want, need or desire, you better get it now, 'cause this is the only time there is." Della meant every word of that.

Della Let's It All Hang Out, Plus Ella's Dolly, A Li'l Knick And A Teensy-Weensy Secret Song!

Sometimes people, when they reach a "certain age," just don't give a fuck a gumdrop about what anybody thinks. Yes, they'll wear a lemony, color-coordinated outfit - but with leopard-print tennis shoes and clumsily dyed black and gray streaked hair - and they'll let fly with just about anything that pops out of their pie-hole.

Burlesque Babes, Helen's Crazy Dream, Plus Tiki Tribe Tats, Robin's Giggles And A Spoon-Fed Secret Song!

A few years back, "Burlesque," a movie starring the pre-bloat Christina Aguilera and a plasticine-faced Cher, purported to reveal the world of nouveau-burlesque. It's since become a minor camp classic (I say "minor" because, yes, it's unintentionally funny, but not quite awful and funny enough to qualify as major). Sadly, the dancing wasn't all that good. It was "magazine-ish sexy" in the vein of old MTV videos or Dita Von Teese, and though I grudgingly admire Ms. Dita's business acumen (so much renown for such little effort), what she does is not real burlesque. This, ladies and germs, is burlesque:

If you and yours have a burning desire to dance and swing like the buxom broad above (and I don't know why you wouldn't) then you'll need proper musical accompaniment. And honest, I can't think of anything better for such moves than 2011's "Burlesque Swing," a primo compilation that'll keep you up off your knees with new and newly-restored tunes like "Peroxide Swing," "Marijuana Cha Cha Cha," and "Pap's In Bed With His Britches On" (the only misstep is a semi-annoying remix of "Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend," but you can uncheck it, as I have, on your iTunes, or just delete it).

Della Delivers, Sheila's First Time, Plus Bossa Nova Boogie And A Ghost-Of-Etta Secret Song!

Vogue, vogue, vogue! Della Reese gives good face. And did you know? She's the daughter of a Native American mother and an African-American father. As a child, she was active in her church choir - and just as religiously, accompanied her mother to the movies on a weekly basis.

Relax With Lena, Della And So Many More, Plus A Raggy Secret Song!

Fall is nearly here. But you wouldn't know it. It's practically tropical here in Los Angeles and. I. Am. Sick. Of. It. Fall will be so pleasant. Certain people have left town, which means it's safe to go out again. And the awful summer movie season is finally over. Hooray!

If you're feeling wistful and relaxed in these waning days of summer, then kick back, light a fattie (if you're so inclined) (I won't judge), because I have a perfect set of LPs so-o-o-o guaranteed to help you unwind.

Let's start with Lena Horne. A Cheerful Exclusive Lena! This is her 1958 namesake LP, recorded at the height of her fame and vocal mastery. Which means this is creamy-smooth yumminess from start to finish, with gently playful numbers like "Just Squeeze Me" and quietly heartbreaking songs like "Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child," the kind of song Lena does best. You know her heartache's real; you can feel it in your bones.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone in the creamy-smooth sweepstakes, behold Miss Della:

Now that's a damn pose. Face. Face. Face. Most people know Miss Della from her fast-paced cha-cha CDs (mostly because those are the only ones being reissued these days), but she actually earned lasting international fame by going slow, baby, slow. Who knew?

In 1960's "Della By Starlight," she's as mellow as mellow can be in numbers like "Embraceable You" and "Lamplight" and lots more. But don't worry, her sharp, molasses-snap delivery is ever present - she doesn't muffle anything (as if she could).

And now for a Cheerful Exclusive! 1963's "Waltz With Me, Della!" Yipee! It's the LP that broke her career internationally, and you'll understand why when you hear it. Listening to her sing, you feel as if she's rocking you in a blanket in her arms, gently crooning the likes of "Tenderly" (my favorite number on the album), "Always," and "Fly Me To The Moon." And it's all in 3/4 time!

Of course, good relaxation requires a little vigorous kneading - like a really excellent  massage that pounds out the tight parts. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your masseuse:

An, no, her name is not Dita (though I understand the confusion), it's our old friend, the perpetually perky Beatrice Kay, who's singing a set of chipper songs in this giggly Cheerful Exclusive, 1973's "Livin' in the Sunlight." And they're all co-written by Al Sherman - the father of Richard and Robert, who wrote the music and lyrics for "Mary Poppins." Most of the songs sound as if they could have been performed by Beatrice in her vaudeville days. She was sixty-six when she recorded this LP, yet sounds as buoyant as ever.

In porn movies, massage eventually leads to sex (or if you're Jennifer Love Hewitt, at least a hand job). And who better to give it to you then that joyous bundle of loveliness below:

No, silly, I'm not talking about Bonnie Rait, I'm talking about Miss Sippie Wallace, a jazz and blues legend who got her start early - very early - by sneaking out at night from her Baptist minister father's home and running off to sing at local tent shows in the early 1900's.

You can hear her on "Sugar In My Bowl," a compilation that promises to deliver "vintage sex songs," and it's not false advertising. So shoo away the kids and cover the kitten's ears, because when Sippie sings "I'm a Mighty Tight Woman," she's singing just what you think she's singing about. Yeeeow!

Other songs are more direct, like "He's Just My Size" performed by Lillie Mae Kirkman and "Nobody in Town Can Bake A Sweet Jelly Roll Like Mine" performed by Bessie Smith. Phew! Is it me or is it hot in here? Is that electric or gas heat I'm feeling? Oh, throw open the window - I need the ocean breeze! Do you hear it? The pounding surf? Lord, I need water! I need to be cleansed! Aw, I'm just foolin' with and you know it. We both know if I dared step inside a church, I'd burst into flames. But I'd burn oh-so brightly, I'm sure.

The Secret Song File needs to chillax, too. Everything's set with a bubble bath, wine, a cig. If only there was some jazz. But something new - brand new. Maybe something by a celebrated Canuck jazz vocalist and composer. Hmm. And maybe she's done a thing or two live - and in paris. Maybe a few loves scenes (she has that look of love). It would also be nice if she guest starred on "Melrose Place" back in he day (what??) (no, really).

Since the Secret Song File is feeling, like, oh, I don't know - a raggy doll, let's say - then I'm sure this singer will deliver the goods. If not, then I guess there's always Jennifer Love Hewitt. But really, wouldn't you rather get a massage from Loretta Devine?

If your fingers do the talking and your feet do the walking, what do your knees do?

Don't you dare tell me to rouge them! And, hey, kiki in the comments if you want!