Do you need a vacation from your vacation? Aren't you just exhausted from all that damn sunshine and all those ankle-biters running around unattended?
Besides, kids are sticky and belong in school - and they should always be kept extra busy with after school activities, preferably ones that extend past happy hour. It's the least they can do, amirite? Have them catch an Uber home. You've need your drinkin' time.
There are many ways to enjoy happy hour - and if you're industrious, you can start it early. 3pm? Noon? Be daring. Invite friends over, meet at a bar, crash a wedding (you're the 2nd groomsman's bestie from third grade, should anyone ask) (if you're hot, they'll go with it).
Cocktail time at home requires good music. You want something lively - but not so lively that it distracts from your drinks or your friends. You want icy-cool, modern jazz and lounge, and the fabulous 2003 Jazzanova 2-CD collection below is perfect for such occasions. The more you drink, the trippier it sounds, but even without mood enhancers, it's delightfully utilitarian. Need to clean your oven? Put this on. Need to clip your toenails? Put this on. Need to read important Internet stories? Put this on.
If you happen to be in a bar, flirt, gurl, flirt. A little flirting never hurt anyone and you may even get free drinks out of it. If the person you're flirting with gets annoying, tell them you have to use the crapper and duck out the back. Or tell them how much you looooove Katherine Heigl. They'll be off in a flash, I swear.
But back to cocktail gatherings at home. Has it started extra early? Say 11am? You're covered! There's more dreamy-creamy-extra-screamy tunes below.
And yes, it's from Jazzanova, a 2017 collection that's just made for Side Cars (if you haven't had one, their a must, I swear, and so easy to make).
You're exhausted again, aren't you? Cocktail time is over and the dinner hour has arrived. Do you go out or stay in? If you're already home, do like they did in the 1950s. Reach for the freezer!
This is especially good for the children. They won't appreciate your healthy, organic chicken and massaged-by-Benedictine-nuns kale that you've just had delivered. For God's sakes, don't waste it on them! Children are made for pot pies. Leave them in the foil. Save the fine cutlery for yourself.
Tv and dinner go together wonderfully, but then again, so do music and dinner. "Music For TV Dinners" should do the trick. This insane collection from the 1950s brings together some of the peppiest orchestral music ever recorded from the likes of Syd Dale, who arranged most of the tunes on this disc, like "Happy Go Lively," the embodiment of joy-joy-joy! Given what's going on lately, we need this.
Many people know, of course, that cocktail time can start (again) just after dinner. Invite some friends over (look in the backyard; some of the never left). Send the kids to bed. Lock their doors. What they don't know won't hurt them, I promise.
You can always play the cocktail music above, or opt for even more TV Dinner music - this time from the 1960s. It's just as bouncy, but a bit more swingin' hep-cat, like the opener, "Disc A Go Go," which will make nearly all of your guests shimmy-shimmy-shake. This is a good thing.
Why have you locked your kids in their bedroom? Thanks for asking! Because at late night cocktail parties, oh-so many adult-type things will happen:
And many adult-type conversations will be had:
If you're still worried about the kids, slip them a Xanax (point-five should do it), or leave them with a streaming something-or-other on their iPads. Or better yet, keep them extra happy by streaming Disney's 1973 "Robin Hood." The bratty, petulant Sir Hiss is a great role model.
Invariably, some of your more soused guests will find themselves in your children's room. Surely they'll enjoy the movie, too (maybe even more than the kids). Leave a CD of the newly-restored "Robin Hood" soundtrack nearby and they can all have a sing-a-long, because no one's better at sing-a-longs than children and tanked party guests. Besides, Roger Miller's songs (and singing) have never sounded this good.
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children," advises Fran Lebowitz. "They rarely have anything to add." The same might be said about politics. Or musicians on politics. Or actors. Yet some performers, as the Secret Song File points out, can capture a political mood in their work.
Here's mud in your eye!
Drink and kibbitz in the comments if you like!
